Continuing my three-part series of short essays on what has happened the past 13 months since I last wrote in this space, I title Part Two of Life Goes On as The Grieving Process.
As I wrote last Tuesday, my wife of almost 20 years Sophie passed away from stage four stomach cancer just over a year ago, August 2nd of 2020 to be exact. The shock of the brief illness and resultant repercussions for me were massive, and I feel I still have not recovered from the shock of it all. I doubt that will come for some time yet, if ever.
Sophie and I discussed many things while she was still in the hospital awaiting the final diagnosis, including final arrangements. She was adamant she wanted to be cremated but had given no thought whatsoever to what was to become of her remains afterwards, and she never did give me the final answer before she passed away.
When the time came to make that decision, I wrestled with it but ultimately came to the decision to keep her ashes with me in the house. The urn we picked out for her was beautiful and I felt rather than have it hidden away somewhere I had to travel to in order to visit with her, I would have her where she worked so happily for all the time we lived in the house together. So today, as is the case every day, Sophie resides in what used to be her salon, soon to become my permanent office in the house.
To me it was the only decision I could make and I am glad I made it. I have spent many moments seated beside her over the past year grieving her loss, or simply telling her how my day was and what I was thinking. I still do that now, albeit with a little more circumspection than I had in the first year. There will come a time when I make my own funeral arrangements I will have to decide where then we both go certainly, but for now this works for me and brings me comfort at a time I have desperately needed it.
The pandemic affected a lot of things over the last year, not the least of which was the grieving process those of us who have lost a loved one must endure. The visitation was carefully orchestrated to perfection and after that, I spent a lot of time home alone dealing with the myriad of legal machinations that inevitably follow the death of a close family member.
It also limited the amount of time I could receive visitors looking in on me due to the second and third lockdowns. When I could, it would be very carefully planned out and of course, little or no hugging at all, which I personally found I missed tremendously.
My sister and brother, the only surviving family members now beyond me, both live a good distance away and neither was in a position to come down for either the visitation or the time afterwards. I have still yet to see either one in person although we still keep in touch regularly by phone and video chat. It is not perfect but under the present circumstances they were the only options open to me.
As a result I, and many others in a similar position, have had to endure the grieving process alone, without a lot of human contact. It has been quite onerous I can assure you, but there was little else I could do. If nothing else, it proved to me and others how mentally tough I have had to become over this period. Oh sure I have broken down and cried privately quite frequently, often when I realize the enormity of the job I still have ahead of me, but in public largely I have remained stoic and reasonably upbeat. I have to be. I have no other choice.
Any number of friends, both Sophie's and mine, have done what they can to help over the past year and to all of them I offer a sincere debt of gratitude for your herculean efforts. I can't and won't name you all; you know who you are.
But for the most part I have had to trod the path of recovery alone, on my own, with nothing but my thoughts and an iron will to see this through to the bitter end to sustain me. It has been lonely to be sure and many times I admit I would despair my predicament, but eventually I would gather up the courage to carry on and so I do to this very day.
There is now, even over a year later, plenty to do. Having died without a will, Sophie left me with a very complicated legal process to negotiate and with the help of my lawyer, financial advisor and accountant I have managed to deftly negotiate much of the legal and financial jungle in this first year. Basically at this point I am down to working through the governmental avenues still to be negotiated, but I have hopes that too will soon come to an end.
I have been lucky, really. It could have been much worse and tested me more than it already has. It may still, I just don't know. But I promised Sophie I would remain strong for her as I advocate on her behalf and I continue to do so, and will continue to do so until I reach the end of this process, however long it takes.
The toll on me has been great, I must admit. I tend to stay home a lot now keeping close to the cats, both of them knowing things have changed and I need their love and support, even if it takes rather unusual forms. But we're the Three Muskateers here now and will continue to be, living with their mantra "One for all and all for one!".
I decided to retire from my job at Canada Post in January of this year as I found, even though I could have stayed on until 65 as I had planned to, it was simply becoming too difficult for me to maintain the early morning hours and stress involved with the job as well as deal with Sophie's estate and the work that needs to be done here at the house.
I miss the money of course, although my financial advisor assures me I have nothing to worry about, and I miss the people I used to work with certainly, but it was simply becoming too onerous to carry on. So retiring a year and a half before I planned to is what I did, and so far I have not regretted the decision.
Most of my days now are spent keeping up this large Victorian home Sophie and I fell in love with 20 years ago, and that for me now has become a full time job. There is still much of Sophie's belongings I still need to dispose of, most notably the rest of her extensive and stylish wardrobe still in her closets.
Sophie was also a bit of a hoarder so that has added to my work load and I expect that to occupy a lot of my time for several months to come. But while doing so I am reimagining the home in my image, all the while honouring and celebrating her vision for our home over the years. I have been busy converting the home back to a private residence from a home & business model as it once was, and that has allowed me to take creative licence in a way I never would have been able to before. So that part has at least been enjoyable to me.
Will I sell? No, not for quite awhile for sure. I tell people I will be spending so much time making it my space now I want to enjoy it, so yes eventually when I tire of the upkeep I will likely sell but for now, we are still inseparable in this house and always will be.
But that leads me to the third and final part of this series, and next Tuesday I will look at Part Three: Moving on, alone.
Thank you for reading. Until then, take care and thank you everyone for your support. It means the world to me.
August 17th, 2021.
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