This is the third and final instalment in my series on life after Sophie, entitled Moving On, Alone, which is exactly what I am now doing. The road ahead will not be easy for me and I will draw on all the support I have had over the past year going forward as well, but I think I can do this.
Although the one-year of traditional grieving is now past, I find little solace in that at the moment. I have felt a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders to be sure, but I still have dark days full of despair and longing, and those I expect to continue off and on for some time yet.
Last week for example right out of the blue, I was plunged into a two-day feeling of deep despair as I replayed the final week and in particular the final weekend caring for Sophie before she passed away. I held a fair amount of guilt about the final morning in particular, and the feeling I could have and should have done more was overwhelming. This is not uncommon, I'm told, but that doesn't make it any easier for me.
I reached out to two of my most trusted friends of Sophie's who have been with me whenever I needed their support, Kathy Brophy and Norma Chan, for some guidance. In both cases over the course of two days I was able to regain my equilibrium and start to slowly move forward again. It is a fragile recovery at this point, but progress at least is still being made.
I thought a lot about that final weekend again on my morning walk today and although I teared up again I was able to work it through and by the end of the walk I was okay. This, I hope, will be the case for the next while as I continue to recover and heal.
What you need to know about this stage is simply this: while someone may appear to be okay after a traumatic loss such as the loss of a mate, inside they may be not quite right at all. I want you to know it is not an invasion of my privacy nor an abundance of nosiness on your part if you just take a moment to ask how I am doing if we talk in the future. I can't speak for others but for me just a quick check to make sure I am okay is in a way reassuring that I am not walking this road alone. Others are with me and offering support.
So, where do I go from here? As mentioned in the last instalment I have my work cut out for me here at the house as there is still so much of Sophie's life to deal with. Her business, her personal belongings, the life we built here over almost 20 years together.
Just this past weekend I put the finishing touches on the front porch refresh that I feel has changed the look of the home as you approach the porch from a more businesslike setting Sophie required to a more relaxed, welcoming atmosphere of a private residence. That's not to say the old look was wrong. It was what Sophie wanted and required for her business. But now as I private residence again I feel I can do other things, and I am.
The big thing over the next several months will be going through the rest of the rooms in the house and doing the same thing: taking Sophie's original vision and refocusing it to the new reality of a private residence with a somewhat more relaxed atmosphere.
I have almost completely finished doing this with the main floor kitchen, master bedroom and Sophie's former salon, which is now to become my office very shortly. But there will be plenty to do in the remaining rooms, the basement and of course the garage.
One of my dreams has been to actually park the car in the garage, something I have not been able to do since we moved in. I have to reconfigure the fence/gate arrangement on the driveway to accommodate that dream but hopefully next year I can get that done. It will be an exciting day when the car is parked in the garage for the very first time!
The basement will be my winter project, as there is simply so much down there that never should have been saved but is still there. I have nightmares about what else I might find down there. But it will be done.
So all this will take me, at my estimation, to when I actually turn 65 next June and I can then actually say I am retired. But until then, there is plenty to keep me occupied here, I can assure you.
As for me, we'll have to see. I had a long and wonderful almost 20 years with Sophie and although it was not perfect, she meant everything to me. The love in my heart will never diminish, nor should it. At times I have shook my head at what I found she squirrelled away in this house but then I would smile and say "that's Sophie!" And that is fine with me.
I hope to find love again; I don't know if it ever will happen or when, obviously, but I remain hopeful I have one last great love in store for me in my retirement years. I still feel I have a tremendous capacity to love again, but not just yet. It is too soon for this heart of mine to experience those feelings you should feel when you meet a new special someone.
If it does not happen, I am fine with that too. I lived alone until I was 44 when I met Sophie, so I am really going back to the way things used to be, albeit in a much nicer setting than before. But I feel I have the strength needed to carry on alone should it come to that, forever. It does not scare me.
So we'll see what the future holds. The past 20 years was richly rewarded with the love like no other. If it happens again I will be careful, but ready to welcome it with an open heart. But I will never be needy. That's not me.
So that's it. This series of essays has been somewhat cathartic for me and has resulted in tears more than once, but I felt I had to get it out there. I am a writer after all.
After today I will take a short break from these duties in this space to recover and hopefully in early September I can return with my weekly arts updates as I did in the past. But we'll see. In the meantime, thank you for reading, commenting, supporting me and simply just being there. It means the world to me.
Take care until we meet here again!
August 24th, 2021.
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