It has been awhile since I wrote in this space but you know how it is when you retire...oh it will get done tomorrow! But I thought I should start writing again, even if just occasionally, and begin the New Year with my annual update on me, as I have done each year since I lost Sophie in 2020.
Each year there are incremental improvements in my mental and emotional health, and I am so very glad about that. There is no set time for a person to recover from a devastating loss; each person heals at a different pace. For me it has been perhaps slower than most but this is what works for me. I know others might be ready to move on much quicker, but for me I needed more time to get over the heartache of my loss and feel optimistic again about the future.
I started to feel significant movement back in 2022 but this year, the start of 2025, I feel I am pretty much back to my old self again. That in no way minimizes the loss nor does it indicate all is in the past now. When you lose a spouse, child, parent, even a beloved pet, you can't just go on without working it through your system, and that takes time. I know some might appear to be fine in no time, but I can assure you inside, the ache in the heart remains and may in fact never go away.
I have resolved this year to live my best life possible as that is what Sophie would want me to do, Granted, I am sure she would have wanted me to get to that point much sooner but as I say each person recovers at their own pace. For me five years seems just about right.
I am enjoying life again, smiling more, laughing much more and generally feeling pretty good about the future. That is the goal in your recovery and I feel I have now arrived at that point. But don't think for a moment I don't think of Sophie every day, stop dead in my tracks and think of something we shared together when I see something that reminds me of a particular memory. But that does not mean I cannot live a full, happy and fulfilling life. I believe I can and I'm proving it each and every day. I want Sophie to be proud of me and what I have achieved.
Losing a close family member, particularly a spouse or partner, is quite frankly devastating. For me it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I have lost close friends, senior family members including both parents, and of course a myriad of beloved pets. But nothing comes close to the loss one feels from the loss of a life partner.
I found strength I didn't even know I had and I suspect others, including Sophie, didn't think I had either. It kept me going, sustained me through my grief and pulled me out the other side with my sanity and dignity intact. I am ready to live again as I have plenty to live for.
So what does the future hold? I really don't know. More travel I hope, although last year and likely again this year I will be limited to shorter trips within my own province of Ontario as I have two pets with special needs and I need to provide the best care I possibly can for both of them as long as they are with me. They are my last living connection to Sophie and I feel I owe them that as they helped me get to where I am now in my recovery.
I will continue to reimagine my home with my vision while always honouring the vision Sophie brought to our home. I have no intention to move until I must. This home holds so many memories for me and I know I am not living in this house alone even now.
I will continue to live as well as I can within the confines of my senior's income of course, but I have no doubt I will make my retirement as grand as it can possibly be. After all I have to do this for both of us now.
Will I love again? I really don't know at this point. I started dating off and on back in 2022 and each and every opportunity resulted in heartache and hurt feelings on my part. I don't regret a single one of my dating experiences, but I am not exaggerating when I say I could write a book at this point and it could very well be listed in the "believe it or not" section of your local library. Suffice it to say I had no idea dating at this stage of my life could be so difficult and awkward for both parties.
I am still relatively young and blessed with good health, no debt and no other commitments so a new romance is certainly not out of the question. But you know what? I am comfortable in my own skin, confident in my ability to live a good life on my own that if it doesn't happen, I am fine with that. The difference is between wanting someone new in your life and needing someone new. I am fine on my own thanks, but always open to new experiences. As I often say, I am ready of my next big adventure.
So there you go. I am fine and happy to be who and where I am at this point. I have made some resolutions for the New Year, mostly related go how I move forward this year. I want to present myself always in the best way possible, so I plan to dress as well as I can while in public and make sure I am in all ways a true gentleman. But I also plan to have fun, and just yesterday I acquired new eyeglasses that give me a much bolder look. I want that, and I feel it is just the beginning.
I am ready for my close-up, Mr. De Mille...let's make this next chapter of my life all that it can be.
Happy New Year and have a great weekend!
January 4th, 2025.
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