It has been awhile since I updated you on my progress as I continue my recovery from the loss of Sophie in 2020, so three years in earlier this month, I felt it was time to get this done.
Overall, things have gone well and really for the most part, according to plan. I was told early and often everyone is different and each person sets a different timetable that works for them. as I have done. I knew recovery would not be quick, nor painless, and perhaps for me the journey has taken longer than expected.
It was certainly complicated by the pandemic as I was totally alone for the better part of two years save for an occasional visit when conditions allowed. Even two Christmases were spent totally on my own, which was hard.
On the third anniversary of Sophie's passing earlier this month, I didn't quite know what to expect. But what happened rather surprised me: I was largely at peace with myself and where I was at this stage of the journey. It was less emotional than previous years by a wide margin and I took that as a positive sign. I felt finally my heart was coming to terms with the loss and I am indeed starting to move on.
But last week, I was surprised again. On the anniversary of the visitation, which was exactly a week after she passed, I felt much more emotional and reflective and that quite frankly caught me off guard. Was I relapsing? I really don't think so; perhaps it was just my heart catching up to my head, in a way. It was not too bad but the ache in my heart was still palpable.
I have since come to the conclusion that ache will likely always be there. No matter what happens in my life in the coming months and years, as much as I focus on moving forward with my life, I will continue to honour and reflect on the past. I am not sure if that is always the case, but I sense due to the quickness of Sophie's illness and how relatively young she was at the time, it may never be fully resolved in my heart.
That's perhaps not a bad thing either. I have always believed you learn from your mistakes and when the opportunity comes up to try again, you are older, wiser, richer in compassion and understanding, and willing to try even harder to achieve what I have come to refer to as my "happily ever after." The ache that remains in my heart to this very day serves as a reminder how richly blessed I was for almost 20 years with Sophie and how wonderful life can be again should love find me once more.
And to be honest, I want that. I will honour the past but I refuse to live in it. What we had was beautiful; there is no reason in the world the next time cannot be just as beautiful if not more so. All that stands in the way is a reluctance to move forward with your life and grab the opportunity when it knocks on your door. Or perhaps when you do the knocking...
Having said that, I will be careful. The past year or so I have dipped my toes into the tepid waters of the senior dating world, and I wish I could say the results were promising but unfortunately, they were not. Oh, there was a tremendous amount of happiness shared in both cases initially, but I guess I had not taken into account the fact not everyone is as ready to also move on from the past and look to the future as perhaps I have been.
Let's be clear though. I have nothing but good memories about both special experiences I had and will always feel that way. I have tremendous respect for both individuals for taking a chance on love with me as I know full well how difficult that level of trust can be to achieve. Both experiences were also valuable learning tools for me going forward and perhaps, it will be third time lucky for me. We'll see.
But if, and this is indeed a possibility I am prepared for, I end up living the remainder of my life alone, I am fine with that too. I met Sophie when I was 44 so I had plenty of experience with living on my own and I am quite prepared to do that again. Will I worry about it? No, not at all. Whatever will be will be, and I will make the best of my life no matter what unfolds in the future, or with whom.
The important thing now is to focus on living my best life, which I am concentrating on doing this summer and I know that is what Sophie would want for me. I am blessed with good health, financial independence and a love of life, so the future is bright no matter how things play out. A friend once said my Dad raised retirement to a fine art, and I intend to do the same!
I have taken baby steps in getting back out into the stream of things, as well as some larger ones, such as a return trip to Ottawa for my birthday back in June. I have another even bigger adventure coming up later this year and I will write about that when I return, you can be sure.
Right now I am concentrating on day trips and making new memories in some familiar places I want to return to, and that will continue off and on as time permits. There are so many great memories I will never forget and mixing those with the new seems to be a remedy I need right now to help me move forward in a positive spirit.
Before I go, I would be remiss if I did not offer sincere and heartfelt thanks to all the friends, colleagues and acquaintances who have reached out these past three years to check up on and help support me. Your help is invaluable and I hope you all know that. No man is an island and that has been proven to me time and time again over the years.
A special mention of gratitude must go out to those I refer to as "Sophie's Angels"...her close circle of friends who all helped with her final weeks and afterwards, have all been there for me as well. So in no particular order, I offer thanks to Kathy Brophy, Norma Chan, Denise & George Papaiz, Mary Kudreikis, Sheila Krekorian & Joe Skura, and Lisa Raham. If I have forgotten anyone please forgive me, but your considerable efforts towards both of us cannot be overstated or appreciated enough. Thank you all.
So, onwards and upwards I say. Fasten your seatbelts...the best is yet to come. I am ready for my next great adventure!
Have a great week!
August 16th, 2023.
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