On this New Year's Day 2022 I thought I would update you on my progress since my last report in this space at the end of August. I made some promises to myself as the old year ended and I put my head on the pillow last night, and they involve increased optimism in the year just upon us.
Yes, I know COVID is still with us and is showing no signs of waning, at least not yet. But I remain hopeful before the end of this year we might be able to see the end of this long ordeal. But we'll see.
Amid the backdrop of that dark cloud still looming overhead, I see clearing ahead for me and I hope for you as well.
I generally don't make New Year's resolutions much. Oh sure, the usual ones cross my mind on the final night of the calendar year: lose weight and have more sex in the New Year. Yeah, right. We know how that will turn out more than likely.
But seriously, I wanted to give you something of a report card on me since my last entry here, and let you know with the dawn of a New Year I hope to finally find the wherewithal to renew my commitment to reporting on the arts in this space in the very near future. I have missed it but to be honest, the words have not come easily to me the last sixteen months since Sophie passed away.
Sixteen months. It hardly seems possible it has been that long and yet, there are days I thought it was an eternity already. The norm seems to be to grieve the loss for a year after a spouse's passing and I thought that would suffice for me. But in August last year when the year had passed, I found I was not ready yet. Yes, I know everyone is different and I am usually slow with most things so why be any different with the grieving process...
Things gradually improved throughout the fall, although I would still find myself becoming very emotional when I least expected it, such as a fall Sunday afternoon when I would come in from doing yard work at the end of the day and I was used to hearing the TV on in the kitchen where Sophie was presiding over an amazing Sunday night dinner. Now, I would come in and there was silence. It hit me more than once, to the point I almost turned the TV on before I went out in the afternoon to cushion the return later on.
It's little things like that you don't always think about. Often, it's the little things that seem to affect me the most, I find. That being said, progress was made this fall to the point when December arrived I found I was ready to do something I didn't do at all last year: put up Christmas decorations.
Last year, I barely even listened to Christmas music. It was just too painful for me. This year as has always been my custom I pulled out some of my favourites at the beginning of December, leaning heavily on choral and much less on pop Christmas music. It just seemed an appropriate start this year.
I have not put up the big Christmas tree again this year and to be honest, I don't know if I ever will. In the past I was tasked with lugging the behemoth up from the basement and setting it up in the stand, and then leave the decorating to Sophie. It was not my choice not to take part; it was just understood the only way it would be done properly would be if Sophie did it.
Ahem.
Anyways, I chose to go what I call quietly elegant this year, whispering Merry Christmas rather than shouting it. It worked for me and I think that will be the norm going forward. I chose some of my and Sophie's favourite decorations for the house and ignored the rest, at least for now. I changed up some things and in the end created a look that worked for me: it respected our past and looked towards the future.
In a sense, it turned out to be an analogy for my life going forward in 2022.
I will always preserve and honour Sophie's memory as I should, celebrating her amazing life whenever the opportunity presents itself. But now in addition to that, I feel 2022 brings with it a new opportunity to step out on my own now, reclaim my independence and state I am honouring the past while looking towards the future.
Two words define this New Year for me: Move forward. In everything I do now, I will move forward.
To that end, I have promised myself to do some things in this New Year I have not done up until now. Firstly, I will celebrate myself. That may sound odd but truthfully, I looked at what I have accomplished in the last sixteen months and I realized I am a lot stronger than anyone, including I believe Sophie, ever realized.
The day she passed away, I knew the journey in front of me would be hard, lonely and tough. But I knew I would achieve what I had to do through my inner strength and the support of so many caring friends and family members. Although it was not the case, some days it felt the weight of the whole world rested on my shoulders. But I survived and here I am.
So what will change in the newly-minted year you ask? Several things I hope. I still have a tremendous amount of purging to do here at the house, particularly in the basement which basically looks like lighting a bomb down there could not make things much worse.
But I also want to do something I have not done much of the past almost two years, due both to COVID and my personal situation: I want to dress up more. The times have been few and far between when I actually put on a suit and tie and made the effort to look my best. That for anyone who knows me is a sign things are not quite right. I like to dress well albeit somewhat in the style of a slightly eccentric English gentleman, and even after she is gone, I still want to make Sophie proud.
I realized on Christmas Eve when I dressed for my annual Midnight Mass broadcast, donning my vintage full evening dress, I had to make several attempts at tying my white tie. I realized it had been a year since I had last done this, and I was out of practice! It took four attempts but I got it to look perfect, and that prompted me to do this more often as things (hopefully) improve over the course of this year.
It felt good to dress well again, and I want to make the effort going forward. For me, and for Sophie.
The other thing I hope to embark on this year is to feel love again. I am not all that old in the overall scheme of things I'm told and feel there is still some gas in the tank to take a chance at love again should the opportunity arise. Indeed Sophie said she wanted me to meet someone new, but up until now I didn't feel the time was right nor was I ready.
I know COVID protocols will prevent much opportunity in the near future and that's fine with me. But at some point I would feel ready to at least tentatively dip my toe in the tepid waters of adult dating and see what transpires. The mere thought of dating again at my age is enough to keep me up at night and not for the right reasons, but I will cross that tricky bridge when I come to it.
But if it doesn't happen, that's fine too. I am comfortable enough in my solitude that if this is what's in the cards for me in the future I am fine with it. We'll see...
For now though, I am content to keep the house up, purge, hone my caveman bachelor cooking skills and be ready for better days ahead. They are coming...for me, for you, for all of us.
Together, let's make 2022 a better year all around. I think all of us deserve just that.
Happy New Year!
January 1st, 2022.
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