I have not written in this space for almost exactly 13 months now, and frankly I didn't know if I ever would again. My life took a sudden turn last July and as I noted the last time I posted here I needed to step away to deal with a sudden illness in our family. So today, I will begin the painful yet necessary process to write what is in my heart, difficult though it may be.
Last July 2nd, 2020 my wife of almost 20 years Sophie Koutroulakis entered hospital for excruciating back pain. She called an ambulance to take her to hospital about 1:30 in the morning after being unable to take the pain any longer. It would be the last time I would ever see her descend the front steps of our home under her own power ever again.
Little did either one of us know what was to come. I almost still can't believe what happened, so over the next three Tuesday afternoons I will attempt to put my thoughts and emotions into words in this space, as I describe in three parts what happened, what followed, and what is yet to come. I hope you will bear with me during this very difficult process as I embark on the next chapter of my life.
When COVID struck and Sophie was, as was most everyone else, forced to close her business for a time, we both thought it would be a short break from the rigours of life and then she would be back in the salon again, busy as ever as the spring and summer season were almost upon us. But Sophie never opened again.
Initially Sophie revelled in the free time, watching her favourite TV shows, catching up on movies she had recorded on the PVR, and working her way through her ever-growing mounds of old magazines. She commented one day "If this is what retirement is like I think I will look forward to it!" She made lunch and dinner for us every day, remarking to a friend on the phone one day I was "eating like a king!". So I was.
All the while I was still working early mornings, coming home to clean and organize the basement every day. It was, for a while, a remarkably happy time in spite of the difficulties surrounding the growing pandemic. Sophie was, I recall, happier than I had seen her in a very long time.
It was not to last.
In early April Sophie woke up one morning and discovered a growth on her neck, right next to her jugular vein. Obviously alarmed she called her doctor and after several trips to the hospital that month to undergo tests it was determined to be a blood clot. No explanation could be found for this occurrence but Sophie was prescribed blood thinners and in short order the clot dissipated. It did reappear briefly about a month later but again went away.
No one could have predicted what was to come but perhaps it was indeed an early warning sign. There were frequent follow up visits to the doctor and hospital throughout April and May followed by an emergency extraction of two teeth in Fonthill, further adding to the complexity of the growing situation.
Late one Friday night in May Sophie passed out briefly with the resulting fall causing back pain to grow more intense throughout the rest of the month and throughout June. Through it all Sophie kept in contact with close friends and even made a couple of visits on her own to friends' homes. She began plans to reopen the business June 30th in spite of the growing back pains.
But the final week of June the pain became so intense Sophie found it difficult to walk or even sleep due to the increasing pain, so several trips to a nearby chiropractor were arranged, which helped somewhat but the gains were minimal. Finally on July 2nd. in agony from the increasing back pain and unable to even lie down or sleep, she made the decision to go to hospital.
As expected Sophie languished in emergency throughout that Friday and Saturday undergoing tests and was finally admitted to hospital early on Sunday morning, July 4th. That began three weeks of intense testing and exploration that early on revealed Sophie's back pain was caused by something far worse than anyone could have imagined.
She had cancer. The exact location eluded the team of doctors looking after her for almost the next two weeks.
As Sophie's mother died of colon cancer at a relatively young age years ago that seemed a good place to start. Nothing. A lump on her breast also seemed a likely candidate. Again nothing. And so it went, day after day, one painful exploratory procedure after another, with a specialist in bone cancer being called in from Toronto before the final diagnosis was made at the end of the second week.
It was stage four stomach cancer, and as I later found out from her doctor, it had evidently spread to her spine by June, thus causing the ever-increasing back pain. I still remember taking the phone call from Sophie on the Friday night with news of the diagnosis, and the grim realization she did not have long to live.
There were efforts to get Sophie to a specialist at Princess Margaret Cancer Centre in Toronto or even to the cancer centre in Hamilton, but the cancer was so swift there was no time. Sophie was sent home in late July, and lived for another week and a half before succumbing to what we believe to be cardiac arrest early Sunday morning, August 2nd.
Throughout this period Sophie received friends while in hospital when allowed to do so and often found herself comforting those who stood there in shock at the news of the prognosis. In many ways she was the rock that kept us going rather than the other way around.
At home Sophie had around the clock care as she lay in a hospital bed in her salon, with her closest friends, the ones I came to refer to as Sophie's Angels, staying with her by day and a nurse with her by night. She returned to hospital twice that first week for appointments but she proved almost incapable of travelling at all and I am of the belief the visits back to hospital likely hastened her deteriorating condition due to the difficulty in getting her there.
The decline while at home was almost immediate and incredibly difficult to watch. I should mention I had kept working throughout this entire time, not by choice. Once she knew she was arriving home in a couple of days I looked into taking a leave of absence from work in order to care for her but Sophie was adamant I should keep working.
I still remember a call I received the first Friday morning she was home, while I was on a break at work. She was defiant and angry with me I should even consider taking time off work when all her friends are available and willing to stay with her until I arrived home each day. So reluctantly, I kept working.
The final week was the most difficult I have ever experienced as I tried to manage long hours at work starting at 3 am, coordinate appointments for Sophie and care for her while at home. I still don't know how I made it through. But thank you to Sophie's Angels for being there every step of the way: Lisa Raham, Mary Kudreikis, Denise Papaiz, Olivia Rinaldi, Norma Chan and countless others who offered their time. But the greatest thanks goes out to Kathy Brophy, who stickhandled so much over that period of time coordinating just about everything. These ladies and all the others were with Sophie to the very end and have earned my eternal gratitude.
Sophie had only turned 60 in March of last year, still as strikingly beautiful as ever. I look now at a photo I took of her the night we celebrated with friends and it is hard to believe less than 5 months later she would succumb to cancer.
The following 12 months has been one of incredible loss, loneliness and the feeling I could have and should have done more for her in the final days than I did. But more on that later.
I will rest my mind now after having gone through this cathartic, painful process of writing again. I decided to wait until the one year of grieving is done before I attempted this, and hope it at least answers some questions for those who don't know the full story.
Next week, Part Two: The Grieving Process.
August 10th, 2021.
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