Thoughts on lives lived and lives lost.

It's been a few weeks since I last posted in this space, and I offer apologies for that.  With a hectic work schedule and getting tax stuff ready for the accountant and such, I just had a lot of my plate.  Besides that, I just felt burned out and needed some time to rest a little bit, and I think the rest was most helpful.

Today I went to a visitation for a gentleman I knew who passed away suddenly late this past week.  His name was Dr. Bill Combe, a long-time veterinarian in St. Catharines, who along with his daughter Heather have operated Fairview Animal Clinic in north St. Catharines for many years.

When I acquired my very first pet, my beloved cat Pushkin, Fairview Animal Clinic was recommended to me as a good place to take my cat when the need arose.  Bill and his staff took care of Pushkin as if he were their own pet, and I know they all shared my sense of loss when Pushkin passed away several years ago.

Bill made it easy for me to adjust to having a pet with timely advice and help whenever I needed it, and I was always grateful for that help.

Heather tells me her father was at the clinic as usual on Thursday morning, so it was a very brief illness.  But that doesn't lessen the pain or sense of loss a family feels at a time like this.

I remember our own family suffered a tragic loss exactly a year ago this past week when my sister's father-in-law died suddenly, and again it was very quick.

In both of these cases, family and friends came out for the visitations in huge numbers, comforting the respective families and reliving happier times they had shared in the past.  That's what we do.  But when the visitations and the funeral are over and the family members are alone, that's when they need others the most, I find.

I got to thinking about lives lived and lives lost on my drive home from the visitation today, and how prepared we are for the inevitable.  We as in those left behind.

There is no way to know what the future holds, and no way to prepare emotionally for what is to come.  But when you suffer a loss in your family or close circle of friends, you find the strength to carry on and do what you can for those directly affected by the loss.

While we might not be in a position to prepare fully for the inevitable, there are things we can do right now to ease the pain when the time comes.  Some are practical and some are more emotional and spiritual.

Have you made any plans regarding your wills and powers of attorney, for example?  This is such a basic requirement of life and yet so many others either overlook it or put it off as long as possible.

Sometimes, too long.

The worst possible thing you can do is not be prepared in this most basic, simple way.  Everyone needs a will, and everyone should give some thought to what may happen after they are gone.  To add to the pain of loss felt by those you leave behind by saddling them with tremendous bureaucratic red tape is unfair and so unnecessary.

It is never too early to start thinking about this.

Planning your own funeral may sound morbid and absurd to some, but pre-planning relieves a lot of the stress on your loved ones when the time comes.  Even if you don't go that far, just making sure the basics are in place before it is too late helps with the planning your family faces once you are gone.

When my father passed away six years ago, a full nine years after mother passed away suddenly, he had the plots bought and paid for, the powers of attorney and wills in order, and someone else joint on his bank account so there was access to funds when the time came.

As an executor of the estate, I can tell you these basic planning steps made a huge difference for me and the rest of the family, and helped us out immensely.

But beyond all that, how can you reduce the emotional toll on your friends and family on either side of the equation?  How to minimize the inevitable grief and sense of loss you feel when someone close to you passes away?

The simple answer is to forgive past transgressions and make sure the people closest to you are at peace as much as possible.  It is never easy to "bury the hatchet" as it were and let bygones be bygones, and there will always be extenuating circumstances in a lot of cases.

But in most cases, not carrying a grudge to the grave can make things a lot easier for all concerned.

Don't be afraid to let people know how much they mean to you and yes, how much they are loved.  I know this is sometimes difficult for some to do, but there must be some small way you can let others know they matter to you without going overboard.

When my mother was still alive, in later years I called her every evening to check up on her.  It didn't need to be a long conversation although often it was.  But keeping in touch just seemed to be the right thing to do.  And at the end of every conversation we had, every single night, I told her I loved her, and she told me the same.

They were not just words, but true expressions of love and affection on both sides.

This went on for years, and then one morning after our regular evening conversation, I found out she had suffered a massive stroke.  If nothing else, the grief I felt at that moment was tempered somewhat by the knowledge less than 24 hours earlier, I had told her I loved her.  It helped me through that difficult period immensely.  I knew she knew.

We can't always be that fortunate, of course.  People may live in far corners of the world and not be in contact every day as I was with mom.  But when you do have contact, making sure they know they matter to you can help somewhat with the grieving process.

Basically what it comes down to is this:  live your life well, and with love.  Have as few regrets as possible, and don't carry them with you like an albatross.  Let go of them and free yourself from the burden of guilt if at all possible.

We can't prepare for the inevitable completely, and it will always come as a shock no matter when it happens, but making sure you are at peace with yourself and those closest to you can go a long way towards preparing yourself emotionally for the day when either you suffer a loss, or other family members suffer your loss.

Something to think about this weekend...

April 3rd, 2016.